Tied together with a smile...but I'm coming undone.

I don't really have time to write. But nothing really has changed.
Most of my friends are away on vacation and the few, and by few meaning Marisa, that are here are total crap. I told you nothing has changed didn't I?

I just don't know anymore. I've been so depressed lately.
Marisa texted me early this morning and asked if I wanted to hang out with her and Gigi.
When I talked to her online she said Gigi said she couldn't hang out then and with that being said Marisa decided her time could be better spent doing something else then hang out with only me.

At around four oclock I started sending Marisa text messages half-hourly asking her if she wanted to hang out. 2 hours and 4 texts messages later I decided to take direct action and call her house phone. When she heard it was me her voice changed from chipper to guilty yet bothered. She said she had to go to dinner with her parents and in an attempt to try and smooth over the situation she offered to MAYBE hang out with me and Gigi after. But at that point I really didn't want to see her anymore.

On the brightside in result of having intolerable friends I managed to read two riveting books in the course of 24 hours. Ok well maybe only one of them was truely riveting. The other was a guilty pleasure that coincidentally revolved around blogging.

Winter, the main character from the last book I read, and I have a lot in common. You see in the book Kiss&Blog Winter and her BFF Sloane were each others only friends and the summer before tenth grade (same summer I am painfully undergoing) they decide to turn their lives around and become popular. They make a pact that whoever gets "in" first will help the other "in". But Sloane gets caught up in all the glam of being in the "in" crowd that she dumps Winter. Winter then befriends the dorky new kid that happens to be working at her Mother's cafe. He ends up putting together a pretty decent group of people for them to hang out with and Winter ends up totally falling in love with him. (what teen girl book would it be if she didnt?!) ANYWAY I'm getting tired of dragging out the entire book so I'll just get to the point. Winter starts and anonymous blog (HEHE just like ME!) and starts posting all of Sloanes secrets. Although she never uses anyones actual name, people in her school actually start reading her blog! AND THEY LOVE IT! But of course things get crazy and...well you'll just have to read it and find out yourself! haha.

OK. I personally have had enough to do with books for today. So I'm gonna go sleep for as long as humanly possible. I figure the more I sleep, the less I have to live through my all too depressing, lonely life.

Sweet dreams fellow bloggers!
Scarlett

Well this sucks

Everything has only gotten worse.

For starters Marisa, Caterina, Gigi and I planned to meet each other at the park down the street one morning and play basketball then go jogging. That morning I get the text from Marisa that they're leaving so I slip on my running sneakers and head out. I got to the park only to find it friendless, much like myself, and I called Marisa. She doesn't live as close as I do from the park but I left my house 20 minutes after she texted me. She didn't answer her phone and no one else did either. So I sat there for 30 minutes alone, killing the time by doing crunches and whatnot. Finally I called Marisa's house and her grandma told me that she was at Gigi's house with Caterina. This ticked me off insanely. THEN I call Gigi's house and her father tells me that they walked to town. Now I'm really fueled and start walking in the direction of town while continuously trying to call each of the girls phones. Finally Marisa calls me back and tells me that they stopped in town to get hashbrowns and coffee. So I jog the rest of the way and when I'm only a block away from town Marisa texts me.

Are you coming? -Marisa
I'm almost there- Scarlett (me)
To the park?- Marisa
No to town...-Scarlett (me)
I told you we left town and were going to the park-Marisa

At this point I was ready to smash my entire phone into the ground. Luckily for my phone I have some self control. Now after waiting for a half an hour while doing crunches, only to find out that my friends flipped the plans without telling me and were currently stuffing their faces you could guess that I wasn't happy already. Not only was I unhappy, I was furious. The only thing that seemed to make me feel any better was that I was going to stay thin and they were going to be gaining tons of weight from all that sugar and grease. But once I started walking back up one of the most murderous hills in all of town I totally lost my cool and started crying. Marisa texted me again saying that they were just walking into the park then and I should meet them there if I still wanted to.

I weighed my options. Run home and have to explain to Dad why I was already home or go to the park and whine and be a bitch all day. Then it hit me that it was Caterina's birthday. Damn. I decided that maybe if I go to the park and just brush it off that it could score me some brownie points with my friends. I know I'm not always the nicest person and that I can get aggitated really easily so I tried to play it cool. I figured that was part of the reason why they acted so differently now.

Then later that night after we had lunch at Papa Razzi and went shopping I was suppose to sleep over Caterina's house and so was Marisa, but she bailed earlier because she was dyhydrated and wasn't feeling well. Caterina's grandma had to stay over because something was happening in her family so I offered to stay at my house instead and she said that was fine. We made these plans on the last day of school and already they were majorly altered. Then Caterina said that she didn't think she could because she made plans with her Mother for a birthday breakfast...THE DAY AFTER HER BIRTHDAY. Then I has lost all hope.

Around four o'clock today I texted Caterina.

Hey what's up?- Scarlett (me)
Nothing, really super bored- Caterina
Wanna come over?- Scarlett (me)
No one's home and once my Dad gets home there is gonna be another Amy bomb and they're gonna be fighting so no one can drive me- Caterina
Walk over...I'll meet you in the middle- Scarlett (me)
Well are we gonna do anything?- Caterina
I guess not...-Scarlett (me)

I just read on Marisa's myspace status that she was home with Caterina. Earlier today when I asked what she was doing she said exactly this:
"At Gigi's with Nelly, we're going to Bensi at 5 and then I'm going home to get my stuff and then I'm sleeping over Nelly's house to go to the beach tomorrow"

I'm not the jealous type that has to be included in every plan, but does that mean Caterina is going to the beach with her tomorrow? Why wouldn't she invite me? I'm her BEST FRIEND right?

S-A-V-E S-C-A-R-L-E-T-T!!!

xoxox

I've decided to start over

“Just Scratchin’ Around For Something To Believe In” Aqualung

I can’t tell you when my life made a U-Turn to hell but it wasn’t fun and I have yet to recover. This year has been crazy and it has only driven me to be crazy. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still here. It sort of seems like I’m going nowhere fast.

Last year, around November, my father lost his job. That was also about the time I started seeing something in the mirror I hated…and was determined to do whatever it took to change that. It is now July and though my father finally got a job last week after about 8 months of struggling to pay the bills, I feel like things have only gotten worse. My eating disorder, my friends, myself. Everything feels so one way right now. And that is down hill.

Everyone tells me I’m skinny and I know that when they say I’m fat that they are kidding, because if I really was they wouldn’t say it to my face. But it still bothers me. I have a huge ass and nice juicy thighs to match it. I have curves in all the wrong places and though most people would love curves like mine, they just don’t understand what it’s like. My boobs are non-existent and I hate putting on pants because I always feel like a muffin top. Even if I find jeans loose enough to not show my love handles, they ALWAYS show my thighs. And I won’t stand for either. I read the other day that Miley Cyrus use to feel uncomfortable about her thighs too (which I think is ridiculous because I saw her on her Best of Both Worlds tour and she was a STICK running around on stage). I guess everyone has insecurities, but mine has turned into a sickness.
Not too long ago I was saying how I could never understand why girls put themselves through that. But no one ever understands until they’ve been through it themselves.

Everyone has two halves. Three for those who are lucky to find the love of their life, and I mean the one they are truly meant to be with, their soul mate. My second piece is Marisa, Mars for sort. I’m not sure if she’s just tired of being with me all the time but in my mind I see it as there having to be something wrong with me. But by now you’ve probably figured out that’s how my brain works. The last two months she’s seemed so different; Always picking on me, never wanting to hang out with me, never really talking to me too much. I feel like with her, everything isn’t right with me. This has only started happening recently. But I think she also has an eating disorder. It’s something we don’t speak of. But I know too much about it to pass her weird habits as just a phase.
All together I just feel alone. I feel like none of my friends like me anymore, and that’s the very little that I have.

The other day I spent the entire day alone in this house. Doing nothing but watching season one of The O.C. and when I ran out of episodes I sat there and cried.

I want to be an actress. If there’s anything I believe in more than that, it’s me. I have to dream big. All you realists out there are just stuck on how boring life is. But it’s your own fault it’s boring. If everyone lived like me I think the world would go insane, so on second thought…maybe the realists are good for politics and law. But I mean even my own parents don’t believe in me. They think it’s some passing phase like the rest of my life. But they’re wrong. I was born for this. I love performing and being in the spotlight, on stage.

“Do you know what it’s like to feel so in the dark, to dream about a life where you’re the shining star? Even though it seems like it’s too far away, I have to believe in myself. It’s the only way.” Demi Lovato, Camp Rock

So while I wait for my big break I’ll keep writing to you and make the best of this asylum.

love xoxo Scarlett

A little deeper.

I'm a freshman in high school. Rough, I know. I use to think it was crazy for girls to not want to eat food! It's insane. I mean, I come from a spanish family, and that means that food is my best friend. Nothing beats a home cooked feast, like grandma's on christmas eve. But ever since the beginning of this school year, I've been feeling seriously self conscious lately about my weight. A lot of people tell me I'm skinny, but I hate the way my body looks. It drives me insane seeing these beautiful, skinny girls running around on tv. Most people would argue that, being that skinny is bad for you. But I can't help it. I'm being sucked in. It's a mental issue for me now. All I can think about is my weight. I'll be sitting in my first period class, negotiating what I'm going to have for lunch. I feel guilty whenever I eat something. But I also feel guilty throwing it back up. So my solution? STARVATION. I know it's wrong. But I don't want to do it.

Imagine yourself being locked up by zigsaw in a room full of food. The walls are all fun house mirrors making yourself look 10x fatter than you truely are. And you? your limbs are stappled to a chair in the center of the room. You have an empty stomach and all you want is to eat that big mac in front of you. The consiquence for eating it? you die. It's all a mind game. And that's exactly how I feel day to day. People think anorexia is a fashion statement for losers low on self esteem who just want to look like the movie stars. It's NOT something to make fun of. Because once you start, there's no getting out. No matter how badly you want to make yourself believe that if you eat, you'll feel better. It's not that easy to quit. I constantly hear girls making cracks about it. But they'll never know until they've been through it.

ANOREXIA IS A DISEASE.

I never hear people making jokes about cancer victims.

So this is me...kind of.

I've decided that my true life stories would be much better kept under wraps. On this blog I will be known as Scarlett. All other names will be changed for privacy purposes. You have to understand that I'm not your average girl(or maybe you would say that I am). There is no need for you to know my true identity. I'm just here to amuse you and share my historys, comedys and tragedies with you. (HAHA!) But really. There might be times when you'll wish you knew me. But quite honestly, most of the time I wish I didn't. Know me that is.

I've started this because I'm noticing changes in myself. I feel like I need to speak.