“Just Scratchin’ Around For Something To Believe In” Aqualung
I can’t tell you when my life made a U-Turn to hell but it wasn’t fun and I have yet to recover. This year has been crazy and it has only driven me to be crazy. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still here. It sort of seems like I’m going nowhere fast.
Last year, around November, my father lost his job. That was also about the time I started seeing something in the mirror I hated…and was determined to do whatever it took to change that. It is now July and though my father finally got a job last week after about 8 months of struggling to pay the bills, I feel like things have only gotten worse. My eating disorder, my friends, myself. Everything feels so one way right now. And that is down hill.
Everyone tells me I’m skinny and I know that when they say I’m fat that they are kidding, because if I really was they wouldn’t say it to my face. But it still bothers me. I have a huge ass and nice juicy thighs to match it. I have curves in all the wrong places and though most people would love curves like mine, they just don’t understand what it’s like. My boobs are non-existent and I hate putting on pants because I always feel like a muffin top. Even if I find jeans loose enough to not show my love handles, they ALWAYS show my thighs. And I won’t stand for either. I read the other day that Miley Cyrus use to feel uncomfortable about her thighs too (which I think is ridiculous because I saw her on her Best of Both Worlds tour and she was a STICK running around on stage). I guess everyone has insecurities, but mine has turned into a sickness.
Not too long ago I was saying how I could never understand why girls put themselves through that. But no one ever understands until they’ve been through it themselves.
Everyone has two halves. Three for those who are lucky to find the love of their life, and I mean the one they are truly meant to be with, their soul mate. My second piece is Marisa, Mars for sort. I’m not sure if she’s just tired of being with me all the time but in my mind I see it as there having to be something wrong with me. But by now you’ve probably figured out that’s how my brain works. The last two months she’s seemed so different; Always picking on me, never wanting to hang out with me, never really talking to me too much. I feel like with her, everything isn’t right with me. This has only started happening recently. But I think she also has an eating disorder. It’s something we don’t speak of. But I know too much about it to pass her weird habits as just a phase.
All together I just feel alone. I feel like none of my friends like me anymore, and that’s the very little that I have.
The other day I spent the entire day alone in this house. Doing nothing but watching season one of The O.C. and when I ran out of episodes I sat there and cried.
I want to be an actress. If there’s anything I believe in more than that, it’s me. I have to dream big. All you realists out there are just stuck on how boring life is. But it’s your own fault it’s boring. If everyone lived like me I think the world would go insane, so on second thought…maybe the realists are good for politics and law. But I mean even my own parents don’t believe in me. They think it’s some passing phase like the rest of my life. But they’re wrong. I was born for this. I love performing and being in the spotlight, on stage.
“Do you know what it’s like to feel so in the dark, to dream about a life where you’re the shining star? Even though it seems like it’s too far away, I have to believe in myself. It’s the only way.” Demi Lovato, Camp Rock
So while I wait for my big break I’ll keep writing to you and make the best of this asylum.
I can’t tell you when my life made a U-Turn to hell but it wasn’t fun and I have yet to recover. This year has been crazy and it has only driven me to be crazy. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still here. It sort of seems like I’m going nowhere fast.
Last year, around November, my father lost his job. That was also about the time I started seeing something in the mirror I hated…and was determined to do whatever it took to change that. It is now July and though my father finally got a job last week after about 8 months of struggling to pay the bills, I feel like things have only gotten worse. My eating disorder, my friends, myself. Everything feels so one way right now. And that is down hill.
Everyone tells me I’m skinny and I know that when they say I’m fat that they are kidding, because if I really was they wouldn’t say it to my face. But it still bothers me. I have a huge ass and nice juicy thighs to match it. I have curves in all the wrong places and though most people would love curves like mine, they just don’t understand what it’s like. My boobs are non-existent and I hate putting on pants because I always feel like a muffin top. Even if I find jeans loose enough to not show my love handles, they ALWAYS show my thighs. And I won’t stand for either. I read the other day that Miley Cyrus use to feel uncomfortable about her thighs too (which I think is ridiculous because I saw her on her Best of Both Worlds tour and she was a STICK running around on stage). I guess everyone has insecurities, but mine has turned into a sickness.
Not too long ago I was saying how I could never understand why girls put themselves through that. But no one ever understands until they’ve been through it themselves.
Everyone has two halves. Three for those who are lucky to find the love of their life, and I mean the one they are truly meant to be with, their soul mate. My second piece is Marisa, Mars for sort. I’m not sure if she’s just tired of being with me all the time but in my mind I see it as there having to be something wrong with me. But by now you’ve probably figured out that’s how my brain works. The last two months she’s seemed so different; Always picking on me, never wanting to hang out with me, never really talking to me too much. I feel like with her, everything isn’t right with me. This has only started happening recently. But I think she also has an eating disorder. It’s something we don’t speak of. But I know too much about it to pass her weird habits as just a phase.
All together I just feel alone. I feel like none of my friends like me anymore, and that’s the very little that I have.
The other day I spent the entire day alone in this house. Doing nothing but watching season one of The O.C. and when I ran out of episodes I sat there and cried.
I want to be an actress. If there’s anything I believe in more than that, it’s me. I have to dream big. All you realists out there are just stuck on how boring life is. But it’s your own fault it’s boring. If everyone lived like me I think the world would go insane, so on second thought…maybe the realists are good for politics and law. But I mean even my own parents don’t believe in me. They think it’s some passing phase like the rest of my life. But they’re wrong. I was born for this. I love performing and being in the spotlight, on stage.
“Do you know what it’s like to feel so in the dark, to dream about a life where you’re the shining star? Even though it seems like it’s too far away, I have to believe in myself. It’s the only way.” Demi Lovato, Camp Rock
So while I wait for my big break I’ll keep writing to you and make the best of this asylum.
love xoxo Scarlett
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